are five broad, independent dimensions: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism - aka OCEAN. more
the fundamentals you need from being in a couplehood. Typically these are things like, emotional and physical safety, companionship, sex and intimacy, connection, and novelty. While many people have similar needs they can vary according to the person - ie one wife’s connection need might be small regular chats, while another’s might be deep and meaningful talks. more
We are more effective when we focus on things that are in our ability to influence. more
the ability to understand accurately what your partner thinks about something more
when defensive emotions overwhelms logical thought during a discussion or argument with your partner. Think of a fight, flight, or freeze response. Typically the best approach is to take a time away - to self-soothe and recall times your partner was at their best, or come back after a 40 min break. Let your partner know that even though you need some time, you do care about them, and will be back. more
I-messages (or I-statements) is a particular way of being assertive and clear, while minimising defensiveness from your partner. It has 4 parts to it : “I feel … when …. I’d … if …” more
a belief that by focusing on your own actions, you have the greatest influence on the quality of your relationship more
By putting the most important things into your schedule first (ie work, time to connect, exercise, hobbies), you will get closer to a life that matches your values. more
my rule suggestion - don’t hold you partner accountable for any negative assumptions unless you have diplomatically checked with them first more
Any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control - ie referring to an inside joke when there is a lull in your argument, or reaching out to say “can we start afresh?” more
an exercise where one partner uses respectful curiosity to accurately understand their partner’s thoughts on a topic, without needing to agree or provide solutions more
a walk where one person is the instigator, and the other the understander. The instigator raises a topic. The understander asks questions to understand - they don’t need to agree with anything, and should not try to solve anything. By the end of the walk, the understander summarises what the instigator thinks about the topic more
is a metaphor for a strong relationship. The wall is emotional and physical security. A sense that your partner is one your side and will be there to accept and protect you from the outside world. The garden represents the growth, love, connection and fun you experience within your relationship. more
