a belief that by focusing on your own actions, you have the greatest influence on the quality of your relationship.
Clients often believe that their couplehood would be better once their partner changes. This is an external locus of control - that factors external to us determine the quality of our lives. You can however flip this script by focusing on an internal locus of control and talking your power back. You are then focused not so much how your partner acts as much on how you choose to respond. The benefit of this is - rather than wasted energy worrying about things that are outside of your control, you are putting that energy to its best use - things that you can influence. Control of others is largely an illusion anyway.
how to keep an internal locus focus :
⁃ set your own agenda
⁃ think of how an awesome partner would behave and focus on building yourself toward this goal - independent of how well your partner is doing
⁃ be proactive in your attitude and actions
⁃ when you respond, do it based on your chosen awesome partner goal
why is an internal locus more effective?
⁃ it helps you be more intentional and less reactive
⁃ it breaks negative feedback loops
⁃ it focuses on a “do what works” approach rather than injustice
⁃ it doesn’t rely on others acting perfectly
⁃ you can more effectively recognise and ignore personal barbs and learn what their deeper need is that they are not communicating
with an internal locus focus you can still :
⁃ ask for your core relationship needs to be met
⁃ have appropriate boundaries
⁃ choose to remain in a relationship (or not if it comes to that)
it doesn’t mean :
⁃ you have to be a doormat
⁃ you have to be perfect, (but keep trying to focus on your own responses)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control
Stoic Secrets: Mastering Control for Inner Peace (YouTube short video)
keywords - circle of influence, circle of concern
rather than wasting energy worrying about things that are outside of your control, you are putting that energy to its best use… things that you can influence
“Locus” is the Latin plural of “loci” meaning location
