the fundamentals you need from being in a couplehood. Typically these are things like, emotional and physical safety, companionship, sex and intimacy, connection, and novelty. While many people have similar needs they can vary according to the person - ie one wife’s connection need might be small regular chats, while another’s might be deep and meaningful talks.
The term “core” is important as it gives flexibility to meeting that need. For example, a husband might need to feel supported in pursuit of a business. By identifying why this is a need, will mean there are various forms of business pursuits that could fill that need.
Needs can be conscious or unconscious. By becoming aware of unconscious core needs, it becomes easier for ourselves and our partner to fulfil them. It is also important to accept that it is OK to have needs.
Distinguishing between individual needs and relationship needs is helpful. For example a wife that had emotionally unsupportive parents in childhood might have low self-esteem. Even a perfect husband cannot do all this growth and healing for them. The relationship need here is couple be having a husband that is encouraging, and allows space for growth, but a large portion of that development is an individual (personal) need that the wife does herself.
Each person is unique but some needs that might resonate with you are :
trust - I feel my partner is reliable (this could around money, fidelity, turning up)
respect - I think a lot of who my partner is, and they think I’m pretty good too.
communication - I can share logistics and what is important to me with my partner. I am also receptive to my partner.
emotional intimacy - I feel I can share deeper parts of me and still be accepted by my partner. I feel “seen”.
connection - We spend quality time together after work and on a weekly date. We enjoy chatting and doing projects together.
sex - We still enjoy the physicality of sex and the way it can connect us emotionally too.
autonomy - My relationship is not my sole identity and I have space to pursue other interests outside of my relationship (I am footballer, I am an artist, I am a CFS volunteer)
Identifying your core relationship needs is usually a work in progress. As you notice emotional responses within yourself, you might adjust what you have written.
Setting couplehood goals is the next logical step, which is making a plan around how you will meet each other’s needs.
keywords - emotional needs, expectations